Joo know what time it is?

On Sunday afternoon, La Coacha and I went to a taping of Regis Philbin’s upcoming game show, Million Dollar Password.

One of the celebrity hosts was my idol Chelsea Handler. Now, I need to say that Coacha and I have been trying to go to a taping of the E! Chelsea Handler talk show for the past few months. Each time we request tickets, there are none available. So Ms. Handler was the one and only reason we went to see this game show.

We waited in line in the excruciating August heat at the CBS Radford Studios in Studio City, California. Finally, an hour later, we were escorted into the black and red studio floor where the show was taped. As we were taking our seats, a thunder of applause erupted in the studio. La Coacha and I wondered what the commotion was about. Then, someone yelled “Chelsea” and my eyes immediately went to the stage. There she was - my Godess, my idol, the object of my sexual fantasies - Chelsea Handler herself.

Let me tell you though, that the TV set does not do this supreme hotness any justice. Chelsea Handler is hot, my friends. Smoking hot. Like, burning hot. She can start a fire. I’m not kidding. Her looks reminded me a lot of actress Elizabeth Perry (maryelizabethperry.com)

 I never realized Chelsea was so pretty. She was wearing a sexy, slinky black dress and bright red Dorothy pumps. Her skin was glowing, her hair perfectly hairsprayed, and her body petite, fit, and oh so fuckable. Chelsea Handler looked amazing; not only for an alcoholic, but for any woman. I wanted to rip her clothes off right there but had to contain myself.

Now, what pissed me off was that there were so many rules given to us for attending this taping, and La Coacha and I followed each and every one. Even though I had my two Chelsea Handler books in the car, I was scared to take them with me because of all the rules that were said to have been enforced. I didn’t want my books taken away. But of course no one followed the rules, and while the entire audience had their books signed, mine were in the car a mile away. Everyone got to talk to Chelsea, and I had nothing to get me up there. I wanted to beat someone up for these stupid fake rules.

To make matters worse, they split me up from Coacha and put me next to this fat and sweaty tourist and these Russian whores who wouldn’t stop talking during the entire show. So basically, this man’s huge ass forced half my body on this Russian whore’s chair. And her constant talking was aggravating. But in the end, it didn’t matter. I was mesmerized by Chelsea the whole time. I looked at her with a huge Chesire Cat grin on my face. She kept staring at me like I was crazy, but I didn’t care. I lost my voice from clapping and yelling so much. And let me tell you, not only is Chelsea Handler freaking HOT, she’s wicked smart. This woman is the whole enchilada.

One day, I will be in the studio audience for the Chelsea Handler show. And, as God is my witness, she will sign my books. And it’ll be the best day of my life.