http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p1In59GeBP8

For those of joo who stalk me on Phasebook, joo will see a woman by the name of “Ruth Ortiz” that spams the chit out of my wall. Cheese my “Tia Kuka”, my auntie. Mi familia is in TJ, so Kuka and her clan take care of me. Sheck, sheck, sheck it out!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G1FNHV4wWxA

FINALMENTE! THEY RELEASED A HILARIOUS WEB CHOW: CHICHO’S ANGELS, GANG OF CHICAS. I NEED TO BE IN JUAN OF THEIR WEBCHOWS!!!

El Secret really works. Thursday night I was begging the jooniberse to make me part of a bigger and more glamourous world.  And then, on Friday morning I got a call from an Argentinian hermano asking me if I would be interested in being a part of the pre-chow for the 25th Annual Film Independent Espirit Awards at the Nokia Theatre. I was not prepared weed the material or more importantly, my costume… pero I reminded myself that when oportunidad knocks joo got to say “Si se puede!”. Besides, what the khell was cooler to do on a Friday night? 

So, I put some last minute chit toogether and accessorized weed a gorgeous hat by Bijou Van Ness.

Although most people asked me why I was dressed the way I was (they obviously hab no clue who Coacha was), La Rosario Dawson waved to be from afar and told me how hermosa I looked in front of all the khaters, jaja! Thaz all that matters beeshes! 

Here’s a clip of Rosario playing conmigo!!

Another diva who appreciated by fabulosity was the amazingly fierce figure skater and fashion icon, Yonny Wierd. Que cute is he???

They did a close up on my papaya nails and my “Lola” by Marc Yacobs perfume ring!

The blue carpet pre-chow was hosted by the adorable Stuart Brazell who introduced me as Perezito’s reporter, asking me about the chisme on the red carpet. Unfortunately, the only dirrrty chisme that was on the carpet was Mo’Nique’s hairy legs, pero, I couldn’t talk about that, becoz it was a politically correct chow. We all know that I am not so PC on PerezHilton.com, so it was a bit of a shallenge to be nice. 

Ay lub Mo’Nique pero homegirl says, that cheese only chabed her legs ONCE in her lifetime, becoz it hurts. Mami, is 2010. There is something called, LASER HAIR REMOOBAL!

The greatest anticipation on the carpet was to see Mimi! Eberybody was star struck, when MC walked the blue carpet. Unfortunately, Mariah wasn’t champagne drunk like at the Palm Spreengs Awards. 

La Aries was smiling and laughing when the crazy reporters were screaming, “Me and Mariah, go back like babies con pacifiers!”. Unlike, most celebrities who are skeenier in person, Mariah is actually thicker! Her chichis and pompis are huge! I want to know how Mimi makes herself look skinnier in photos y bideos!!

All in all, I was perdy impressed by the Independent Films awards, becoz it was perdy mosh the same A-list celebrities that attended Los Oscars, minus Sandra Bullocks. Pero, who cares? Our Stuart Brazell kinda looks like her, que no?

xxx

La Coacha, the life coach to the stars

Ay Dios Mio! Yust got news, LAST MINUTO, to be an expert on the red carpet. Jaja, I hab no clue about what is going on.

Toon in to see it libe khere KHERE!

All I care about is if El Ryan Gosling will be there! He was in my dream last night! I had promised myself that the next time I will see my Scorpio will be on the red carpet and not on the streets of Hollywooood! This summer it will be 3 jeers that I haben’t seen him!

Joo know what time it is? Aquario Time, Aquario, Aquario Time!

Aquarius is the sign of frenchip, not lub.  Frenchip is what makes them fall in lub. They are an air sign, in need of mind estimulations and intellectual games. They simply cannot be khappy or fulfilled unless they are free to do as they like. Gib this person constructive criticism, and they will hide from joo.

Aquarius is the most unpredictable sign of the sodiac, quite khard to get. He usually isn’t a follower when it comes to the rules of society, pero once his frens call him, forget about it! He will be their little beesh!

He’s a free and curious espirit who balues his independence and always wants to learn about new chit. This man will drop eberything to help a fren, or eben a stranger! Unlike born-again attention khores (Brangelina), the Aquarian is actually born w/a humanitarian spirit (i.e. Oprah Winfrey, Ellen DeGeneres).

Did joo know Yustin Timberlake raised over $9 million dollars for the Chriners Hospital for Shildren in 2009 alone. He beat Madre Oprah and St. Brangelina!!! Gotta lub Yustin!

Aquarians got a light and relaxing energy to them. (i.e. Taylor Lautner, Ashton Kootchy, Yon Trabolta). They are usually really sweet, pero once joo proboke them, the inner CHOLO comes out and daaaang that chit is scary (i.e. Christian Bale, Denise Rishards, Yennifer Aniston).

When joo are dating an Aquarius man joo must remember that he approashes the game of amor slowly y methodically. He always puts honesty ahead of romance. Highly intelligent, the Aquarius guy will see through any games that joo might play, so there is no point in even trying to play games. Joor also not going to impress him with physical flattery or fancy clothes. They Aquarius is so wacky, they need a fun espirit. 

An Aquarius’ most fun and compatible partner is, drumroll por favor…SAGITTARIUS! Sadly, it is usually the Sag that will break the Aquarian’s corazon. Cry me a riber =( 

If joo are spending your time with him trying to be someone joor  not, he will see that as a lying game. Aquarians cannot forgib liars and he will be gone before joo get another shance, “The damage is done so I guess I’ll be leabing, Oh!”

If joo want to seduce Aquarius let him believe joo are his bess fren: don’t pooch him into anytheeng. He can’t handle it as well as a Pisces man. The best way to seduce an Aquarius man, other than not playing games and making sure not to tie him down too mosh, is to be a good communicator. Aquarians lub to talk and they will talk about ANYTEENG!

Ask only a couple of questions, and let them do ALL the talking and…crying. Then, joo will hab them “in the palm of joor khand.”  

We need to sometimes tank the people who khelp us get far, ‘Armen Ramon‘ is juan of them! My Armenio/Mexican cousin toorns 25 jeers OOOOLD on this Aquarius day!

I was really imprez con Armando during the last bideo we did, Lady Gaga and Beyonce music parody of “Telephone”. We didn’t hab certain programs for our blue screen to work, so he patiently studied how-to bideos on Jootube. He pulled all nighters for an entire week to edit the bideo. He also helped me write and direct it, becoz he is funny too. Runs in la familia. 

Armando and I sometimes get into fights during our bideo choots, pero at the end, we always become juan of the top bideos on the internets. If the Gaga bideo didn’t get flagged on its second day, Jootube would hab promoted it on its homepage and it would hab hit MILLIONS=(

Anywayz, keep up the good work Armen Ramon! Kick some more mayor ass in 2010!! 

Sheers!

I always wanted to take a pitcher sitting on top of a Mexican ice cream cart como una princesa! The men in the pitcher were actual illegal aliens that we found at MaCarther Park. It was sosh a hustle to persaude the dude on the right to do it. Pobrecito was so scared we were going to report him to La Migra. Pero, I told him that I was juan of them and then bought a chit load of paletas. The vato on the left had no problem tushing me, it was like the most action he eber got in his life. Gracias hombres for being sosh good esports! 

And especial thanks to photographer Beth Dubber! 

xxx

La Coacha

(This beauty blog is so Kim Kardashian of me)

Anywayz, don’t joo guys miss pre-Mimi days??  Mariah was so hermosa con curls! Coacha had curls too pero in Hollywood after dying, flat ironing, curl ironing, hot rollering, the curls went away =(

Khormones can shanges curls too, pero that is someteeng out of our control. What is in our control is to take better care of our pelo.

My hairdresser La Marlena (pictured below, on the right) has gorgeous ringlets and cheese gonna help Coacha bring curly back!

I went to La Aries this morning to get a deep conditioning treatment. There are 3 types of conditioning treatments: protein, moisture and gloss. Curly hair needs a protein and moisture cocktail treatment. 

I also bought a leab-in conditioner from Bumble y Bumble. Trying different chit out to see what works.

I also am trying out the Kerastase deep conditioning protein/moisture mask. I’m gonna poot this on 2x a week. Too mosh protein can waaay khair down, so leabe it in for like 10-15 minutos only!

La Aries told me that I need to wash my khair ebery OTHER day. When my roots get oily, I poot dry champoo powder in it! Next time, Marlena is gonna teash me how to juice a “diffuser”.

Will update joo guys on how I am gonna bring crazy curly back in a blonde and straight Hollywood scene!

ChismeTime.com is hosting a película promotion.  The moobie is about a group of Los Angelinos as they find their way through the holiday of AMOR! 

Directed by Perdy Woman’s Garry Marshall, the film stars probably like ebery single actor in Hollywood, both good and bad como: La Yessica Alba, El George Lopez, Yustin Timberlake’s girlfren, Ashton Kootchy , Taylor Lautner y his ex-girlfren, Yulia Roberts y her niece, & etc…

Coacha got passes to adbance screenings in Nueva York, El Lay  y Miami. I can offer 2 winners for Nueva York y Los Angeles and a total of 5 winners for Miami. Eash will win two admit-1 tickets!  Meaning, joo can take a date weed joo!!! 

All I need joo guys to do is leabe a comment and tell me what was THE WORST Balentine’s joo eber had!! Por favor ron lie to me, or else the jooniberse is gonna get mad and bring bad karma to joo on Balentine’s Day! Also, leabe joor name and what city joo are from!! 

Contest ends on Sunday. 

¡Buena Suerte! 

My Selenaaaaas bideo is on “Escándalo TV” y “El Gordo y La Flaca” on Univision! Take that Telemundo!!!

Gracias to my Tia Kuka for making me submit the  “No Me Queda Mas” bideo!! I witch I did, “Amor Prohibido” =(

Please BOTE for me. CLEEK HERE!!!

Are any of these leenks working????